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Unfortunately, how she feels is "pretty fucking queer." This isn't a surprise to me, after 15 years. Things add up and get remembered. She has never spoken of any man (including, sadly, me) the way she's spoken of the two women she had intense relationships with before we met. Our sex life followed incredibly familiar heterosexual patterns and I attributed it to SSRIs and us being, you know, people. Luck of the draw. Sucks. Wish she'd try harder, but hard to blame her for neurotransmitter chaos.

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Queer content, male misery 

So now DW kind of starts revisiting identity issues, unknown to me. Around this time, BBC Gentleman Jack happens, and that's the trigger for her.

To her eternal credit, she talks to me about what's going on with her. She's reduced to shaking and tears by every episode. She identifies with Anne Lister so hard she seems a bit frightened sometimes. We start having the best conversations of our marriage: intimate, raw, real. for the first time, I learn how she feels.

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Queer content, male misery 

That's a miracle, BTW, in case you're not familiar with N. American academia these days. We previously moved away from my dream career so she can be close to her family. My new job kind of sucks, though it gets better after a few years. Partner still struggles with depression, but is also getting the living on. Cultural/art success, career success, great colleagues now, finally back near her family after a few years across the continent, and we bought a house. Settled.

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Queer content, male misery 

Maybe that's enough of my whining (for now). Fast-forward to 2019. We've both been gone from our former church (hers for a decade or so, mine for 40+ years) for five or six years, and it's a relief for both of us but also a source of great stress for me; it's the center point of my family of origin and if I have a heritage, that's it. Kind of sucks to flush all that away, even when nothing else makes sense.

Partner is working (she's an academic). Finally gets a FT job.

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Queer content, male misery 

And our daughter, oh god. I've never loved a human more in my life. I never thought I'd be so floored by a little human. I have turned into a kind of father I didn't think was possible for me. And if you want to see this as a trap, then it's the firmest trap ever; I'll live and die in misery if that's the only way to make her happy and be in her life. Of course, I'm hoping that's not the case.

Anyway, partner and me. I wanted a lot more of her than she wanted of me.

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Queer content, male misery 

What about her, right? Well, I don't fucking know. I have no idea what she thinks or feels about our relationship, except what I can infer from behavior patterns and hints.

Weirdly, this doesn't mean we were always unhappy, or even mostly. I was unhappy about our relationship most of the time because I loved her and wanted her, and wasn't getting anything like matching signals back (though she would often say she did, too... but there wasn't much nonverbal evidence).

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Queer content, male misery 

It wasn't just that she didn't want to hear my (excessive, TBH; I know who I am) chatter about life, random topics, etc.; she didn't want to share her life, either. This led to things boiling over every 6-12 months; I'd get really upset, say stupid things, ask her what the hell she even thought of our relationship, etc. She'd get very, very quiet, say nothing, cry, and we'd avoid talking for a day or so.

I have spent the majority of 15 years pretty unhappy with us.

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Queer content, male misery 

Within a year or so I knew something was off. She just wasn't that into me. She wasn't excited about intimacy, in short. Not just sex (though that was part of it); any kind. I know I'm hard to live with, but she knew that well before we got married. Now it seemed she wanted less and less to do with me.

I attributed this to stress, adjustment to a new community and job, then being a new mother, and always depression and SSRIs, which fuck relationships up.

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Queer content, male misery 

We weren't very conservative, but we believed and we tried our best to be good people as defined by that gospel.

Anyway, we fell in love. Or that's what I thought (this is one of those "oh noes was it all a lie?" things, but I don't think it was all a lie, but it certainly wasn't what it seemed). I stayed in love. She didn't, or perhaps never really was.

She moved to another country to be with me (eventually). I gave up a lot of career opportunities. We had a child.

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Queer content, male misery 

Since I don't know anyone here, and I don't think I have any followers, maybe I can type out some shit that dominates my thoughts day and night.

~15 years ago I married a woman. I'm what you'd call cis-het. She is not. She didn't hide that from me; she told me she'd had some passionate relationships with women. She told me she was bisexual. We discussed it. This was a big deal because we were both, at the time, faithful members of a conservative Christian church.

Knowing the rituals is a great comfort. Not knowing the rituals is anxiety-provoking. Not having any rituals is frightening. Seeing that rituals are arbitrary and ineffective is just... bleak.

Punks and geeks and goths better scurry
when I take you out for some curry
when they see I'm out with the furry with the fringe on top

Hi. Been away for a while. Anyone know what happened to instance unixcorn.xyz?

Perspective: Sessions is criminalizing immigration violations. That upends centuries of history. https://t.co/KiJkuJsj0y

Washington Post: "The backlash is coming": The global wave of t.co/UA6w5gYgmM

The Post needs editors.

First, this is half a dozen women's stories, not a traditional journalism piece about a future trend.

Second, there's little about any "backlash." and that isn't the major theme in the women's stories.

Third, typos.

Ugh. IDK what just happened. I have pers & prof involvements on twit so spend lots of time there.

Fellow academic said something about trials have having $1M+ grants etc. & I replied we had very different situations.

Skip to end: I think maybe I just got mean-girl'd by fellow prof as retaliation for unintentionally making her feel self-conscious about perks of her career vs others'... ? Maybe? Anyway, suddenly I was being spoken to the way reddit trolls speak to feminists in /r/twoX.

Ugh.

I go back to birdsite often because it feels more connected to friends (who are not ever going to come here, sadly) and to current events.

That last part is sometimes more problem than solution. I often find myself paralyzed with depression from the news. This weekend is one of those times.




Ah, recycling day. Time to cruise the neighborhood before dawn looking for discarded printers with juicy, delicious stepper motors hidden inside their very smashable, delicate shells.

Grown-Up Disillusionments:

Nobody in your life, no matter how much they love you, has an unlimited tolerance for who you really are.

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