And you know what? if the other (marginalized) person has written me off for something hurtful I did to them? And I find out later that they have? You know who's at fault? You know who?

Me. Because I did it, I didn't think about them and my privilege, and they didn't feel safe to tell me.

You may wonder why I'm talking about this right now. Is this me, doing more performative ally-ship, telling my queer non-cis non-dudes that I'm safe.

No. I'm telling you, because in some spaces? I don't have that privilege. In some spaces, my brown-ess *is* a political statement. In some spaces, my religious beliefs are a problem. In some spaces, my mental health is a problem.

In some spaces, the person doing that writing off? Is me.

Like, oh, I didn't think that this thing I did would get politicized.

My friend, let me tell you the time I learned about how I figured out that that clever, witty thing I did that relied on a marginalized identity was not clever, or not witty, when I wasn't me.

Let me tell you the many, many times, I had to learn that. And let me tell you something: now you get an opportunity to learn it, too.

I hope you do the right thing.

@tariqk Its kind of like this that I usually shy away from calling myself an ally just because "who am I to decide who a marginalized person allies with". As a Cis, white dude, I cannot expect trust just because "l'm a nice guy", I imagine that would backfire too often to be safe for some people.

@somethingeloquent ha! That's a totally valid way of thinking about it.

It's funny because I came to the opposite conclusion? I use “ally” as a goad to myself, as an injuction: be that ally. Ally with others. Whether they trust me? Is up to them.

I also use it because “ally” has gotten so tainted during the past decade that people are wary of people who call themselves “allies”. Rightly so! We're dangerous.

@tariqk totally makes sense, the whole vocabulary around not being shitty, as I like to call it, is confusing.

@somethingeloquent it's confusing mostly because I think the existing culture makes the shittiness inherent. So trying to figure one's way out of it is confusing and hard.

@kellerfuchs oh yeah. Absolutely. But the onus isn't on them to tell us. The onus is on us to make that effort.

And if we don't? Well, that's on us, not them.

@tariqk Yes, definitely. Just saying, though, that we can try not to compound mistakes :)

@kellerfuchs Oh, yes. But even if mistakes are compounded, there is still plenty enough lessons to be learned.

By everyone else watching.