pyra @stillinhere@octodon.social

I'm pretty sure that if my mom had been stable, I'd have gone into law or politics. I wonder where I'd be. Maybe I can write myself a Mary Sue of the life I didn't get, to grieve a little.

I mean, as I watched BtVS, I couldn't remember any episode, or even exactly *when* I watched them, though I know the gist of the show and I know I watched it just after they aired, as repeats. The time period is just missing.

I think it's an interesting synchronicity that I found myself missing some years of memories when rewatching BtVS, then watching Angel and hearing Illyria ask Wesley if those were the memories he needed back and if they make him Wesley now. Maybe I don't want to remember.

Today I learned that my kids have decided voting is useless. The 18 year old refuses to register to vote. The 12 year old thinks it doesn't help because of watching Trump get elected, and the mock voting they did at school. There are other personal things going on. I feel like I failed the only thing I thought I was good at. I start nights Sunday, work fucked up and I open on with no real help on Saturday, though. Ugh. This week blows.

45th in the country here in KY. Am I surprised, you ask? Why no, no I'm not.

I like me. I don't like life. Balancing the 2 sides of me is quite a feat sometimes. Also, when I'm by myself and doing something I love, I do like life. As soon as I interact with a majority of ppl in this area, I start to dislike life. I want to become a hermit.

And my 18 year old son is now gainfully employed rebuilding computers. Going through the paperwork for a new hire frustrated him, but we got through it. I tried to explain tax exemptions but ultimately, he just put down what I told him to put down without really getting it. Oh well, I probably didn't get it either. I was 15, and that was a long time ago. I don't remember.

Is there anything positive coming to us this year? Anything at all? The infrastructure is crumbling, political opponents are being targeted, more children shooting other children, healthcare will collapse, taxes on the majority of us are going to go up, regulations are being dismantled so that our air and water will be poisoned much faster, etc. Is it my depression or are things going downhill faster than I even predicted?

This is my last day shift work week. After this, I'll have a new set of headaches, but at least I won't worry about my sons.

Okay, so not washing the car today. Tomorrow's warmer, and I have more time. Plus today, I wanted to make fried chicken. I'm so glad I did. 14 legs for $7. And Yum.

It's going to reach a balmy 30 degrees F today. What should I do?

*an. Gah, I hate seeing one letter missing from a post!

And because I was obsessing over Wesley on Angel just prior to being able to watch the 10th season of Doctor Who, I also couldn't resist inserting Ilyria's "Are these the memories you needed?" When the glass being gives The Doctor his memories back. I love combining all my loves into one big ball of love.

I'm not sure what this living thing means to me. I know there's no control for me. I navigate like I'm trapped in a crashing, broken TARDIS. I know no one has their shit truly together, but most are doing a better job pretending than I do...

Wow, my brain is malfunctioning too much. I've been doing well, but today, I don't want to be alive anymore. Damn

Or maybe that there aren't anymore Wesley episodes.