Paul ✨ @pts@octodon.social

Wait, what happened to backup_plan.txt

Where'd it—

Hm.

This...could be a problem.

I'm starrrrrting to suspect that internet popularity and general fame isn't going to work out for me as a rubric for overal life-satisfaction and happiness, but no, it's cool, everything's fine, I've definitely got a solid backup plan for deriving self-worth and creating meaning and giving my life a narrative worth embracing and holding satisfactory.

The First Post On A New Social Network Where You Have Stayed Up Too Late And Are Publicly Shaming Yourself Into Going To Bed

Jesus christ, I am tired and scared and sad! Yikes!

Anyway, some thoughts this shitty-weathered Thursday morning:

• Song Exploder is a good-ass podcast
• Finishing Mass Effect is starting to feel like a chore
• I need to do my damn laundry
• Like all the delightful, fucked-up people I care about, my own fuckups and failings should not exempt me from experiencing delight and love, & I should probably get out of my head.

GOOD MORNING, WEB SITE

And of course ALL of this is nonsense—I truly believe that all of the cool, kind people I envy have weird fucked-up internal shit that they're secretly ashamed of and trying to hide, too.

And I forgive them for this. Everybody has shames & weaknesses & failings. Everybody's been shitty to a friend or lover. Everybody's failed someone. And it's okay, we're all human.

Which leads to the perversely narcissistic conclusion that everybody on the planet is deserving of forgiveness except for me.

And the only way out I've found is to begin by telling myself what feels like a deadass lie: "I am an interesting person that people care about for good reasons," and then act like I believe that it's true, essentially pretending to be the smart, kind, well-liked fellow I wish I were.

But—TURNS OUT—that chronically, almost narcissistically devaluing yourself in this way is a GREAT way to act like an asshole. Because once you've convinced yourself you're a garbage human nobody cares about, you can act as shittily as you want and nobody will notice.

But of course people DO care, and do notice, and all of the logical contortions I've gone through to because of my envy/shame just wind up being permittion to act like a fucking jackass.

I can ALWAYS find a reason why either—

A) The good feeling I'm experiencing as a result of being praised is invalid because the aspect of myself being praised isn't ACTUALLY praiseworthy.

B) The person paying me a compliment doesn't actually mean it, according to a byzantinely legalistic definition of "mean."

If I see somebody praising or complimenting somebody else in a way that I want to be praised or complimented, I immediately feel both envy of the complimented person, and shame that I have not done whatever things I would have needed to do in order to earn the compliment or praise.

BUT THEN, when I AM complimented or praised, I immediately try to find ways why it doesn't actually count. And I am fucking GREAT at interrogating pleasures.

Hello, before I have any friends or connections here I'm gonna talk about shame and envy! Let me tell you, reader, these motherfuckers are two sides of the same coin, for me anyway, and I experience them ON THE REG. I mean daily.

Performance anxiety.