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But—TURNS OUT—that chronically, almost narcissistically devaluing yourself in this way is a GREAT way to act like an asshole. Because once you've convinced yourself you're a garbage human nobody cares about, you can act as shittily as you want and nobody will notice.
But of course people DO care, and do notice, and all of the logical contortions I've gone through to because of my envy/shame just wind up being permittion to act like a fucking jackass.
@pts I've experienced similar things. for me it was mostly because I was a control-freak and perfectionist without realizing it.
Since I've realized that with the help of my wife, it's been easier to deal with and improve.