So I talked to my therapist about transition. And like... I don't know. My body isn't feminine at all. I'm afraid that, even with HRT, I'd never pass. My voice will never change, for instance, and it's rather deep. My face and body are large, tall, square, masculine.

And yet. And yet and yet and yet. It would be so much easier to be that way. It would be so much less painful to exist in the world, and live, and work. And I'm so tired.

@tindall I admit...I transitioned for mental reasons. my body is secondary

like

if you're right about yourself, if you're trans, then HRT will be better than any antidepressant or whatever for mood &c.

you'll just _think_ better, you'll have an easier time turning thoughts into words

at least that's how it's been with me

and that alone is worth more to me than any notion of "passing"

like...I'm prepared to go to my grave still being called [deadname] and treated just as a somewhat weird guy...as long as I can still get my hormones and have a brain that actually works

@kara That's... very legit. I wonder if that would work for me. I hope so.

Thank you <3

@tindall @kara HRT didn't change a ton for me emotionally, but I feel better. And MTF HRT is slower than you think. You can try it, and quit if it feels wrong for quite a while. Most trans women early in transition can stay closeted to people they know in a tight undershirt or small sports bra.

Passing matters to me, but it isn't everything. I enjoyed life as a non-passing trans woman my first semester out of the closet at college.

Good luck and good health in whatever path you follow.