toxic trans communities 

y'know i have a belief that a lot of intense insular trans internet communities have created a lot of awful things that i honestly hope will fade away.

When a lot of trans people get together online and come up with rules for each other to aggressively enforce, where a lot of people are anonymous and VERY online, those who have yet to begin transition those looking for anything to let out or deflect their pain.. the chances people end up enabling toxic ideas is high

toxic trans communities 

we have to understand that as people dealing with a lot of pain and under a lot of pressure and stigma, alongside others going through similar nightmares we are unlikely to always make choices that are constructive.

We need to be more aware that actions and declarations that further isolate ourselves from others are probably acts of self harm.

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toxic trans communities 

Like if you honestly believe that its fine to hate all cis people, you should probably talk to a therapist about that.

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toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege
I find online trans communities to be such a bad and dangerous place, a place where our worst impulses expand at alarming rates specifically because we're surrounded by people who will enable that. It's one of the reasons I've stepped back from Masto in a big way

toxic trans communities 

@Jessicacrets Nod. i can understand that totally.

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege

True Talk. If you're angry at the world, or feel everyone is out to bring you down, then its definitely time to confide in a friend or seek help.

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege let me tell you, it was a party dating a trans girl who’s other girlfriend was a trans girl who was very much of this mindset (tho she was always very kind to me); I had the fortune to come out and start dating trans women (cause those were the queer women I was hanging out with anyway) in the interesting time of 2012, when the superiority of t4t relationships was becoming a thing & intersecting w the down w cis stuff

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege its a chunk of my life that frankly left some damage that i’m still trying to untangle- i’m not trying to be poor cis me, but it’s a mind trip to have to consciously contradict the ingrained (and re-inforced by some crummy experiences) belief that your partner would be happier & better off with another trans woman, you’re a runner up/place holder till one comes along, and everyone agrees 🤷‍♀️

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege the tissues for your cissues wall hanging my roommate put up in the living room prob didn’t help, on balance

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara 💕 ugh that sounds deeply horrrible to be put in that situation. You dont deserve any of that. It's weak shit that some people just immediately look for others to be prejudiced against.

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege it was not great! I mean I very much understand where it’s coming from and honestly I can’t be that mad, separatism can be really intoxicating when you’ve both finally figured out who you are & found women like you, but there’s def been some collateral damage along the way

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege and honestly this is the most explicit I’ve really talked about it outside my house/private correspondence/etc cause it feels like a tip toe away from terf-iness

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara @mxsiege

Criticizing bad behavior doesn't make anyone a terf, and that was very bad behavior. You weren't being treated right by anyone.

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @mxsiege ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara yeah well, collateral damage, namely you, a very lovely and caring individual. There's a distinct difference between "trans people shouldn't have to perform respectability all the time" and "im trans and therefore allowed to be abusive to you and you have to put up with it or you're a terf"

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege haha yeah, the calibration on the difference btwn the two in halcyon days of the early teens was a bit off (and thank you)

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara the closer we get to the event horizon of tumblr the harder the distinction seems to get. "I'm just privately venting here on a public social media space that everyone can read and thousands of people follow me on and share."

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara anyway, i know it means very little but sorry that you had to go through that and im really glad you're still around. you're a wonderful person to know 💕

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege it means a lot! You’re a gem and I’m glad you’re my friend & my wife’s sister 😘

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege @Cathymarinara

Her ex was going around telling people it was suspicious that she'd slept with three trans women. As in "chaser". Which I think is a topic ripe for discussion in the zine, because when it's leveled at an amazing, loving person with a beautiful heart who sincerely just likes us and finds us beautiful as women, it can drive away our very best friends and dates and partners.

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @Cathymarinara uggggggg that particular nightmare. Better project your own insecurities onto everyone.

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege @Cathymarinara

I can't begin to express how angry it makes me to have trans women going around saying that women like my wife have something wrong with them for being into women like us. It's self-defeating, it sabotages others, and for what? Callan's neither a chaser nor a terf she just *has good taste*

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @Cathymarinara its weak. it demonstrates an inability to want to confront the world in any sort of complexity or people as individuals.

toxic trans communities 

@mxsiege @Cathymarinara

And so often the trans women pulling that bullshit are the ones who most need to take stock of their own behavior, sport-fucking every trans girl they think is hot. The very first person I met like this ended up pulling me into the woods drunk and pressuring me into doing sexual things. The predation is in the behavior, not the numbers.

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @Cathymarinara yeah, like if you're able to generalize a group of people into being bad, then you're probably not too hot on considering the idea that anyone can be good or bad based on their actions including yourself.

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @mxsiege and also a roommate who was mad at me, and a hookup who said it was why she wanted to stop hooking up; ah 2013! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara @mxsiege

There are intersectional issues here too, tbf: privileging of thin bodies and treating one kind of women like they're second-class is fucked up and wrong. There was a climate of like... oddly possessive behavior happening, like a certain trans woman who got upset with both of us for dating because she felt like she had dibs on me or something, or on the other hand, the placeholder thing.

Women aren't to be treated that way. It was sexist!

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @mxsiege yeah, we’ve definitely encountered some girls who basically saw me as a trifling obstacle to get to you

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara @mxsiege

the quickest way for someone to make me dislike and distrust them intensely.

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @mxsiege hahah LITTLE DID THEY KNOW

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara @mxsiege

Toxic is the right word for... all of this.

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @Cathymarinara its like, its not a get out of being an asshole free card.

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara @mxsiege well fuck, this just pinpointed & described a vague crummy feeling/fear i hadn't quite been able to identify yet

toxic trans communities 

@caprimoon @mxsiege oof, i’m sorry doll, it’s a real feeling! Hopefully having pinpointed it and knowing someone else has experienced it helps, a little? And I’m always happy to talk if you’d like.

toxic trans communities 

@Cathymarinara @mxsiege thanks. it does help! i think/hope i'm just having anxiety around this based on absorbing those ideas as they float around me (rather than anything concrete occurring) but identifying that as a fear - and knowing the context for it - seems important.

toxic trans communities 

@caprimoon @Cathymarinara @mxsiege

They aren’t necessarily good ideas, and they get used to excuse some seriously bullshit behavior! There’s good reason for baby trans girls to not just learn from other baby trans girls, and seek out women who have been around for a while. There’s a reason we have the term “decatrans” and some people talk about the terrible twos.

toxic trans communities 

@eweish @caprimoon @Cathymarinara @mxsiege

And whether there’s reason for specific concerns or not, it’s really not good to soak in an atmosphere where people are talking shit about cis people if you’re cis. :(

Venting is needed but it shouldn’t happen anywhere and everywhere.

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