So could we maybe replicate the thing with realnames somehow? Sure we could! Put in a searchable "real name" field, federated social circle tracker, get people's contact lists and securely and privately match them, display friend suggestions, etc. etc.

*Would* we do that?
Hahahahahahaha no. No way in hell. Not in a million years, not ever. Because we don't *want* these features.
I'm not sure _anyone_ wants them, actually. But they are what makes the whole thing work.