don't even try to start even THINKING about messing with me!!!

everyone likes the enamel pins on my jacket lapels. i switched them this morning and got new compliments right away.

Please put a CW on toots about boring stuff I’m not interested in

(singing) he’s shidding, he’s farding, the old man is sharding..

referring to Jimmy John's as "the establishment of James Johnathan"

santa baby, the sequel to boss baby

my mom has scolded me for addressing my own newborn son (affectionately) as "lil ratty" and "lil pinhead" on separate occasions.

i don't think she's heard me call him "peanut-head" or "lil flathead screwdriver" yet.

i fuckin love using emojis. but i don't understand their popularity as decorations and in media

oh you’re poo pooing? you’re poo pooing and pee peeing?

*slaps nose* this bad boy can hold so much snot and boogers

the beach boys? haha yeah those boys sure do love the beach

Bill Nye stands for William New Year's Eve

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