dezmo @dezmo@octodon.social

I have an appointment for a full psych evaluation in a couple weeks and just started talking to someone I'm kinda into

they will probably prescribe me depression meds that will kill my libido lmao like come on goddammit

so many people want so many things from me and I wish they would just stop demanding my emotional labor and physical energy and time for one day, just one day to not be burdened

I'm just trying to process my thoughts because I am very stressed and don't want to speak to anyone, I just want time alone and for people to stop demanding things from me

I don't really experience panic attacks. I struggle to process everything that's happening around me until I just... "detach"

there's no specific trigger for my dissociative states, it's mainly any sort of sensory overload following an anxiety trigger

my brain shuts down and sometimes I can still function and other times I just have to ride it out until it's over and it's only getting worse

last week I had a full blown, lucid episode where everything around me began to distort, I lost the passage of time, and struggled with coherent speech. it was almost as bad as the time I couldn't even recall my own name.

either I didn't begin to experience it this badly until adulthood, or it's always been there and I never knew it for what it is.

it's beginning to scare me

I'm going to go through those boxes and burn every single letter.

My old journals are beginning to feel like a heavy burden that I can't bring myself to throw away.

I have these thoughts constantly churning in the back of my mind, like I'm missing a puzzle piece or something, like it's not really clicking.

It's like when someone lies to you but you just can't figure out which part. You're searching for the red flag you missed, and despite it being nowhere to be found, you know it's there.

Something just isn't adding up in the past several months of my life, and I absolutely will figure it out.

It will be dealt with.

I always get like this when I'm tired and/or my sleep schedule is out of whack. I honestly can never tell if a depressive episode is coming on or I'm having a "normal" human reaction to something.

My own thoughts, impulses, and emotions don't make sense to me a lot of the time. I attempt to make sense of them and objectively rationalize, but that can only do so much.

I'm getting better, but how long is it going to take me to process life events?

I try really hard to not be so pessimistic, but some days it's like fighting an uphill battle. More often than not I feel like an embarrassment and I just want to hide myself from the world because it makes me weary.

friend: do u want to go to the mall

me: sorry, i'm allergic

I try to do my best to be non-confrontational, but if you don't wash your hands after you use a public toilet, I will give you an incredibly strong stare like the badass I am.

I'm all for being up-to-date on mainstream news & events as the next person, but I feel like it has this astounding ability to keep a cloud of despair over anybody.

I rather enjoy being in an environment where I'm not constantly bombarded by emotionally draining and mentally exhausting people that make me feel like shit.

it's pi day may the 4th be with you

i spent all afternoon composing and now my brain is Scrambled Egg

pasta is a conspiracy invented by the pasta sauce company

I am so fucking glad that I made the decision to join Mastodon (the band)

🎶 the best part of waking up 🎶
🎶 is [redacted] in your cup 🎶