#introduction #2. Super real facts!
I am 35 and consider myself a working class academic, bisexual (or pan if you like), bigender, a nerd with (almost) no programming skills, a Gryffelclaw, a christian and a cat person. 2 longterm relationships (5/10 years) + 1 amazing roommate. Depression issues, Hypersensitivity, usually a bit tense.
I used to blog about sex, but haven't due to a burnout situation. I love analyzing people, DIY, especially building stuff, good bourbon and Hannah Gadsby.
I just got a wall calendar for next year. I know, it's not even september yet.
I just love wall calendars. Not for the calendar. I love that there's nice art and each month I get to look at a new picture. That's just the right amount of time, too. Every day or week would be stressful. But at the end of the month I'm always looking forward to turning it over to the next one, excited even. :)
Brief summary of my history with my family /8
Now of course we still need to find ways to have an adult relationship. They are still complicated and there's things where we don't agree.
I will need to find ways to tell them how I feel, what I need or what my limits are. Not so that they can make everything right but enough for me to be able respect myself when I'm around them.
It's tricky. There's so much to be gained but also still potential to be hurt.
I'm sure glad I did get to this point!
Brief summary of my history with my family /7
There's so much more I want to find out about my parents, my aunts and my family history. I never got who my parents are, just as they never got me. I want to find out. For me. Because they are a part of me and it will help me understand me better.
I'm sure I am going to care for them if and when they need help with their everyday life.
For a while there I was super happy to have found a connection to my family again.
Brief summary of my history with my family /6
I had also changed and grown up a lot. I still wish I had a family I could talk to but I'm now able to appreciate the ways they did care for me. And I realize that none of them will be there forever.
At some point my brother came to visit me and we see each other much more now. We can talk about things. I love having a connection to him.
I also love the place where we grew up, in the country. It used to be suffocating but now it's fascinating.
death // Brief summary of my history with my family /5
It all changed when my grandma died. She was important to me, I had spent a lot of time with her when I was growing up (there was no daycare after 1pm, or for kids under 3), she was important to our family.
I gave a speech at her funeral, which turned out to be something that nobody else could have done. It felt like the first time they saw more of who I am as a person.
Brief summary of my history with my family /4
After a year they did come. And I was so eager to show them some of my life, for them to finally get to know me. But even though they were in the city several days, most of what they did was sightseeing. They came to my house once.
They came a second time, it wasn't much different but less strained.
When I invited them for me and my partner's 10 year anniversary the only answer I got was "have a nice party".
Brief summary of my history with my family /3 depression
After graduation I moved even further away. there was a phase of several years when I had almost no contact with them. I was pretty depressed for most of this time anyway and when I went to visit I would often cry or be completely detached from everything. It hurt to be there with them.
Also they never felt the wish to come visit me. That hurt, too. At one point I said I wouldn't come any more, it was their turn.
Brief summary of my history with my family /2
Of course I left home as soon as I had finished school. We were in contact while I was at university and I could always ask them when I needed something but I didn't really want to ask them for much. I wanted to leave my dependency on them behind me, as quickly as possible. It felt awkward, purely perfomative, when my mom wanted to hug or when she would tell other people about my life. I didn't like it.
Brief summary of my history with my family /1
When I was a kid I didn't fit in with my family. When I was really small that wasn't a problem yet but the older I got the more we all realized that I was often wrong somehow. My parents often told me how I should or should not be, but I don't remember them making an effort to try and understand me.
They had a lot to deal with anyway. Not much time for the kids. It was easier to ignore.
They did love me but also they still don't really know me.
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