what I want:
implicit, static, strong, duck typing

first-class everything (functions, expressions, closures, types, the 'return' keyword...)

algebraic types and structs that are equivalent

dependency injection as a language-level feature

everything is a pure function but I can still get data from the database/filesystem/interwebs, and emit logging / tracing so my program can explain why it decided whatever it did

code is implicitly (?) parallel

no exceptions that break control flow