Pepper @aphandra@octodon.social

awesome:
the body knows how to growl, a deep rumbly sound produced by vibrating the larynx weirdly

also awesome:
the being most likely to bottom to me has an instinctive tremble and squirm response to being growled at close and personal

oh man that doesn't get old
🌶️

also learned at yesterday's scene: the body has a really good arm! 12 years in manual labor will do that. heavy lifting may no longer be our thing but we sure can swing a flogger

swish, thwack, yummy pain sounds, repeat~~~
🌶️

brought our new flogger over to a friend's house. first sie topped our headmate Sen, then one of us topped hir. I learned proper flogger use on a prone bottom, and that Sen is a painslut. a good time was had by all.

Like *so* many of Sen's problems are self created.

She has this attentional issue, acts a lot like ADHD, she tends to focus on that because its untreatable.

But she also deals with self-destruction, poor impulse control, poor emotional control, weak willpower...

Like if the only thing holding her back was her disabilities, she'd be in *much* better shape!

... On the other hand, steering by the archetype of a Pratchett Witch, Sen has been making better decisions all afternoon. I will take help where I find it.

She really just needs a better version of herself to try to be. And a reason to try.

Oh, for those of you using the MtG color pie, I am Black-White. I am selfish as fuck but irrevocable circumstances make acting highly prosocial the most selfish option.

For those of you using the TvTropes system, Sen is my Morality Chain.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MoralityChain

I love how Sen's nearest referent on how to be a witch is Pratchett's Witches.

If she can just stay sober this will be okay. She's pretty good at the day-to-day on that, but she tends to crack under stress, bc stress makes her self-destructive. We're still working on self-control.

(*sheepish* I'm... responsible for the last time she cracked. I'm the one who fucked her up so bad she went back on the sauce and had her last episode. I know what it looks like when she breaks because I have broken her. So I have a vivid perspective on this.)

snrk. Sen has gone from "oh well, guess I *have* to resume to practicing magic just to keep myself safe"

to "I am picking right the fuck up where I left off"

inside 24 hours :/

The main reason magic use is extra dangerous for her is because she's bipolar. But it's only a risk if she has another episode and those are pretty controllable she just has to keep her substance abuse problem in line.

You see why I'm nervous, right?

Sometimes I just feel like Sen pissed in the pool ahead of me. There's really cool people Sen knows that I don't get to get close to because of her history with them.

Sen's life runs on momentum. She just wants to keep moving. She'd like martial arts or dancing. She likes dishwashing pretty well, it's not a slowpaced job.

For her life is about staying in motion-- either hectically, rhythmically, like clockwork, or in a grind. She may careen or she may plod but she keeps fucking going.

When I front for her, but use our in-system telepathy to very nearly mirror the actions she'd take, we call that "shelling". It's a good way for me to get fronting practice in, in situations (like the damn grocery store) that are so deathly dull I don't want to have to make decisions.

How did I go from persecutor to protector?

I'm reparenting her. like *someone* has to. and I'm here.

it is every bit as emotionally complex as parenting ever is. I'm with her all day just trying to steer her into better decisions. it is exhausting and it is exultant.

she got a little bit closer to overcoming her fears of GRS today. that was work.

everyday I'm working on something with her.

and maybe... maybe someday she'll be recovered. and we can just be happy together.

also trying to persuade her to work on being better to other people. Courtesy. like for serious practicing on mean coworkers and annoying residents means having the skills to handle situations that *actually* matter with people you *actually* care about.

I put so much work into her y'all.

working over basic social principles with the headmate. she didn't get a proper social development growing up because trauma, so she still needs filling in on this stuff.

tonight's is, "good treatment is not a right; it is a privilege that can be revoked at any time". hoping to resolve a long-running debate.

uh so yeah guess our new claws are actually pointier than I thought. kiiinda makes me wish I hadn't tested them on our forearm where the scratches are still visible at work the next day ^^; guess we'll be wearing our elbow length gloves all day...

what's a good affectionate term of address for a kid to call their nonbinary parent?

you know, apropos of nothing.

ugh. I am. I'm re-parenting my headmate Sen.

like somebody has to. and I always was a shapeshifter. it's not hard to adapt myself to the situation.

she basically needs someone to take her by the paw and walk her through about a decade of missed development. and, well, I'm here.

so a thing about me is I'm chaotic evil. not joking. unreformed persecutor here.

but Sen is so damaged she keeps almost steering our life into the ditch.

I can front for *maybe* 90 minutes a day. if things get better it'll be because she gets better.

I'm as smart as she is and with better restraint. I can tell when it's time to pretend to be neutral good for as long as it takes to get Sen mentally healthy again. after that, we'll see.