Avery Edison @aedison@octodon.social

We've cleaned the wound and sewed it up, but we like to do some further tests, if you're okay with staying a few hours longer. Nothing to worry about, it's just that we've noticed the above-average number of function keys, and the warping of the space bar has us concerned. Do you have power of attorney? Again, I don't want to alarm you—it's just that we'll need your permission before we do anything invasive. It can make words, but that doesn't mean it's aware.

@darius ha, thanks! I do regret that my anti-capitalism can be read as anti-blackness, but also some people's devotion to capitalism is horrifying!!!

• If both subjects admit they are clones, they are destroyed.
• If both subjects maintain they are the original, they are destroyed.
• If one subject concludes they are the clone, and the other insists they are the original, the former is destroyed, and the latter returned to its tank for further study.

This DMCA notice insists you stop breathing in the particular way they taught you—the rapid gasping as your face flushes and every nerve in your body gets ready for the big moment. This method is copyrighted and currently licensed to another user (you've seen them, they look happy). Find someone new, someone who can teach you a different way to inhale. Failure to comply may result in legal proceedings which will leave you struggling for air.

@scarymercedes Thank you so much! What a lovely message to read <3

The Yellowstone Caldera, a massive underground volcano in Wyoming, has long threatened America's safety. In 1734, the Secret Founding Mothers established a pact with the Devil Himself: the Caldera would never erupt, so long as each year the country sacrificed some of its geography—its mountains, gorges, and plains—losing them from space, time, and memory.

The landscape used to be wild with natural wonders. But they are running out. And The Devil, with his Caldera, is waiting.

Yes, I have been wedged in this pipe for many days. Yes, I am tired and in need or rest, and mushrooms. Yes, I wish to see my friends, my partner, and my brother again.

But I will never surrender my dignity and allow myself to be hoisted out of here by a damned Lakitu!

@Nafrondel thank you <3

MATRIX (2017): Set in a world like ours, one where everyone has seen THE MATRIX (1999), except that afterwards everyone became viscerally aware that film was true—all of humanity is living in a simulation.

More a documentary than an action movie, MATRIX captures the effect of this revelation on society. There are three kinds of people: those who didn't care; those who wanted to escape to reality; and those who fell into catatonia.

Spoons are an object of ridicule and dissent. They are banned.

WHY SHOULD I RESPECT THE DEVIL WHEN HE COULDN'T EVEN KILL GOD

@c0deweaver http://swingsandroundaboutspodcast.com :)

I've been stuck up a tree for 27 hours. I'm okay, but my self-driving car is freaking out—it's been frantically wiping its windshield, and flashing its lights, and the horn was blaring for so long that it stopped working. I keep calling out to the car, trying to let it know that everything's alright, but it just plays the seatbelt warning back to me. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

Please don’t title your magazine interview/profile “Meet [Name]” unless you describe them so well that their shade burrows into my brain and expresses itself as a boil on my neck which eventually talks to me, grows in size, and takes over my entire life in a gruesome indictment of our culture.

TRY TO COUNT THE ATOMS THAT ARE GANGING UP ON YOU / BUT ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR THOUGHTS UP ARE ATOMS TOO

The rare book store's proprietor won't let you open the dusty paperback with a picture of your father on its cover. The most you get is its title, "The Price of Admission."

YOUR PERSONAL TAROT READING!

CARDS:
8 of Smiling Faces
12 of Smiling Faces
1 of Smiling Faces
11 of Smiling Faces
3 of Jumpsuits
19 of Smiling Faces

PLANET: Cobalt
ELEMENT: Bone

FORTUNE:
You will finish every task you set your mind to! But beware, the feeling of accomplishment can settle in your muscles and leave you wincing the next day. Try some "cool down" failures, like leaving the house with your shoes untied, or putting too much milk in your cereal bowl.

@cdutson the same way every story ends: with the heat-death of the universe

CALLER YOU'RE THROUGH TO DOCTOR MIKE THE MEDICAL MECHANIC WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU???

Hi, first time-long time! I've been trying to construct a homemade scoliosis brace out of a bicycle frame and some empty cans, but I implanted it wrong and now I have a bunch of metal plates sticking out of my back like a stegosaurus. Should I try and remove them, or should I inject myself with some lizard DNA and see how far I can take this?