I got a package in the mail today. It fell through the slot with a mute thud. By the time I reached it, it was wriggling. I was disturbed and intrigued. Had a friend sent me a small animal as a prank? Was there a mechanical device motoring around in there? Or was something more fantastical happening?
I tore open the pack, and was beset about the face by a tiny blue woman. She was like a butch Smurf. Butch in a way even the men Smurfs never managed. She beat me with little fists, and screeched.
“What are you doing? You should be on your computer!”
I wasn’t about to answer the demands of this odd creature. I had questions of my own!
“Who are you? What IS this!?”
She leapt from my face to the hallway cabinet. Still eye-level with me, she puffed her chest and announced,
“I am the Great Imp of Spears, Javelins, and Pikes. I am here because you invited me into your home with your actions and your intents, and I will watch over you to make sure you honor your promises.”
I was, to say the least, confused.
“But I… Javelins? That doesn’t sound like me. And spears and… They’re so violent! What could I possibly have done to get your attention?”
She sighed, and looked at me with disdain.
“Obviously, I am also the Minor Imp of Horns, Antlers, and… Tusks. And yesterday, you signed-up for Mastodon.”
“Oh… Right, I did.”
She smirked.
“Yes indeed. Now get tooting!”
@aedison wtf am I reading