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the guy their mom is marrying seems super chill and offers to pay for them to go snorkeling and tour mayan ruins and gives them a gift certificate for an ice cream buffet

the girl whines about all of this

the revenge plotting guy from the first scene is working at the buffet and there's a shot of him looking over at them all shady like

the revenge guy then poses as a golf cart driver and the girl who is trying to run away from this beautiful tropical resort gets into the golf cart

also her stepbrother hides in the back

but then, revenge guy activates like a magic grenade? or something ans it causes a magic cgi portal to appear and the kids are thrown though it and they land on the other side in the snow and now they are at the north pole

they are in shorts and tshirts so they should be dead within minutes

then santa chases a cgi mountain lion in his cgi sled with cgi reindeer and he yells "booyah!"

santa throws a net at the mountain lion or snow leopard or whatever it is and he misses but then he hears the kids yelling and pulls out scifi christmas binoculars and goes after the kids and the cgi snow leopard watches him go and snarls

the revenge guy watches santa put the kids in his sleigh and then when santa takes off the revenge guy runs after the sleigh and clings to the back of it and then all kinds of cgi happens while kurt russell yells in norwegian and calls the reindeer 'ladies' and then the revenge guy lands in the snow with the snow leopeard which is like a giant snow leopard and also one of the cgi gerbil elves is there and they are both his friends

and he says to the giant snow leopard "see? santa fell right into my trap." and then the gerbil elf laughs and speaks norwegian

then goldie hawn does christmas magic with a cauldron that is like a crystal ball for mrs claus i guess and santa's cgi sleigh swoops down into their giant stable or whatever and cgi gerbil elves run around yelling in norwegian

i hope you're getting all of this

the kids are dying of hypothermia so goldie tells the cgi gerbil elves to get some hot chocolate and some "cornish pixie dandruff"-

kurt russell seems very into playing santa claus

the kids are revived and the giant snow leopard is named Jola the Yule Cat

the kids are revived and the boy sees one of the cgi gerbil elves and screams which fair enough

goldie hawn does christmas magic to summon warm clothes for the kids and they get a tour of the north pole which does look pretty cool i will admit

as part of the tour we are shown the christmas star which powers the whole north pole and its totes important

chekov's christmas star

they have a giant holiday feast with the kids and its all cakes and sweets but goldie hawn explains its all actually healthy because christmas magic

the girl starts lobbying for a job at the north pole. i mean i would too

meanwhile revenge guy is outside plotting against them with some special evil robot toys

goldie hawn tells the kids a bedtime story about when santa was living in turkey and met some forest elves and the elves were being hunted by humans but how in elf lore there was a prophecy about a man who would become king of the elves and lead them to safety

i hope youre getting all of this

also revenge guy used to be an elf? i guess? i think that's what's going on

revenge guy's name is Belsnickel and goldie hawn says he was a very popular elf and goldie hawn taught him potion making and kurt russell taught him to invent things but then see, Belsnickel became a teenage gerbil elf and santa had more christmas duties and less time for him so Belsnickel became resentful and then he broke the Elves' Code

I hope you're getting all of this

so Belsnickel broke the code and became cursed and then he became a human and it just goes to show you

so Belsnickel is outside plotting against them with drones and potions and his buddy Jola the Yule Cat and he send a cgi gerbil elf up in a drone with a potion and Jola the Yule Cat breaks into the reindeer stable and fights the reindeer while Belsnickel goes after the christmas star

i hope you're getting all of this

so goldie hawn and kurt russell are woken up because there's potion going everywhere and the reindeer are upset, then the elves start breathing in the potion and it makes them run around laughing maniacally and one of the reindeer is injured

then Belsnickel steals the christmas star which looks exactly like an animal crossing star fragment and then santa confronts him and Belsnickel is going to use the star to start his own magic village at the south pole

okay so.


this actually happens okay?

Belsnickel has like a magic steampunk glove and he and santa have a shonen battle in the middle of santa's village

Belsnickel wins and steal all the christmas magic and flies away in a steampunk quadcopter drone

so santa and goldie hawn needs to save christmas but oh no the elves are all hopped up on "elve's bane" which was in the potion and now they are dangerous little maniacs but ALSO some of them wind up in a giant katamari damacy snowball of elves and snow and it rolls around collecting more elves and snow

so now goldie hawn has to heal Dasher and santa needs to go to Turkey to meet with the forest elves to ask them to build a new christmas star but dasher is wounded so he will have to fly with only seven reindeer

i hope you're getting all of this

so the kids split up and the boy stays with goldie hawn and the girl goes with santa and the sleigh crashes into trees and shit because there aren't enough reindeer but Belsnickel is also going to turkey to stop the forest elves from making a new christmas star

goldie hawn needs a rare artic flower to cure the elves' bane so she sends the boy out into the artic wilderness with a hand drawn map and some magic cookies including an exploding gingerbread man

meanwhile the elves' are all hopped up on elve's bane and they are having a rave and dancing to who let the dogs out

so goldie hawn distracts them with cookies so the boy can escape in the artic wilderness alone. he is like ten year olds

so Turkey is covered in snow i guess. and santa and the girl get shot at with arrows but santa deflects all the arrows with this hands like he's neo in the matrix but one of the arrows hits him in the butt

santa uses christmas magic to vaporize the arrow in his butt

so the forest elves are also cgi gerbils but they're dressed like they live in middle earth

they can build a new christmas star container but then santa will have to harness the 'power of the star of Bethlehem"

meanwhile the boy has to climb a cliff and he almost eats the exploding gingerbread man

then santa does the ritual to harness the power of the star of Bethlehem and and its very witchcraft. i wonder what christians think of this movie

anyway, we got a new christmas star and he gives it to the girl to hang on to because what could go wrong with that and then boy climbs a ridiculously steep and high cliff in the arctic wilderness with no climbing gear. he is like ten

and he falls and then Jola the Yule Cat shows up and the boy throws the exploding gingerbread man and Jola runs away and the boy says "there's a new sheriff in town"

so santa is heading back and then Belsnickel shows up in a supped up steampunk sleigh being pulled by hyenas and rams them and they drop the christmas star and then Belsnickel gets it but then santa and the girl fall through a wormhole

they fall through a wormhole


the wormhole takes them Back in TIme

i shit you not

they fell through a wormhole and went back in time to Logan Airport in the nineties

what is this movie

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"oh no, we've opened a tear in the fabric of time and those wormholes won't stay open for long" - Santa

this is actual dialogue. i did not embellish

"Looks like Belsnickel figured out a rudimentary form of time travel" - Santa

so the reindeer can't fly because there's not enough christmas spirit so they leave the reindeer on the tarmac at Logan Airport because they are at Logan Airport and Santa and the girl are walking around Logan Airport in the nineties looking to a power source for the time travel device that Belsnickel made and also they need to generate more christmas spirit at Logan Airport

that's what happening in this movie right now

the time travel device runs on AAA batteries but santa only has expired batteries so they have to buy some from the airport shop what is this movie but they only have future money so they can't pay for the batteries and the airport cop starts harassing the girl and he hauls her to the airport jail what is this movie

so santa uses christmas magic to cause money in a salvation army collection pot to multiply and then some lady argues with an airline employee about her flight being cancelled

and then


santa uses christmas magic to cause everyone to sing a musical number

i swear this is what actually happens

Kurt Russell as Santa is leading everyone in a musical number about the spirit of christmas at Logan Airport in the nineties because he got sent back in time to Logan Airport in the nineties

meanwhile the girl is in airport jail for her airport crimes

they cut away in the middle of teh musical number so the girl who is in airport jail for airport crimes can talk to a boy who helps her work through her character arc

but like they just cut away in the middle of the big musical number

the kids break out of airport jail and Santa is still doing the big musical number with everyone and cop runs into the middle of it and then he has to dance with santa while everyone sings

i am not making any of this up

so the reindeer are revived by all the mind control christmas cheer and the boy from airport jail turns out to be the girl's dad

this movie has an amazing unfiltered quality to it. like every idea they thought of went in. nothing was said no to

meanwhile at the north pole the boy helps goldie hawn make a cure for the elves but how are you going to administer a cure for elves' bane to so many elves? that's right, goldie hawn gives the boy a cross bow to fire shots of medicine at the elves

he is like ten years old

so now santa and girl need to get the new christmas star back from Belsnickel so santa manipulates teh time travel device and they go through a wormhole

santa gets the christmas star back and go through another wormhole and one of the hyena's in Belsnickel's sleigh bites one of the reindeer and theres an epic car chase but with steampunk sleighs through a series of wormholes and Belnickel's sleigh has a drill that comes out the side and tears up santa's sleigh

there's still like half an hour to go

the boy runs around with a crossbow shooting cures at elves and then santa tells the girl to jump out of the sleigh with the christmas star and a magic candy cane parachute appears and i want some of whatever the people making this movie were taking

the boy is about to get mobbed by rabid elves so what does he do? that's right he grabs a giant lollipop and swings it at them repeatedly sending elves flying. it looks like they get hurt

but then they trap him a building and it just goes to show you

and yes the epic sleigh car chase is still going on with the reindeer and hyenas

but then goldien hawn throws an exploding gingerbread man and causes both sleighs to crash

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@Taweret Are you sure they aren’t talking about Christmas spirits?

mind control santa laughs at your individual will, you will sing whether you want to or not

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