@Gnubeutel I was getting unexplained, unlogged java.exe crashes from heap corruption. Everywhere.
The only thing that doesn’t log and should touch the heap is the gc.
Turns out, some idiot stuck a JNI call to free memory in a finalize block. Memory that hadn't been allocated.
So there was a timebomb set up early in the code, and it would silently kill everything when the gc ran.
Tl;Dr: Corporal punishment should be reinstated for anyone who uses finalize.