By now many of you have heard the news about German Supreme Chancellor Merkel's secret underground abattoir for baby eating, revealed so explosively by citizen-investigators and a self-aware Japanese AI named "Otaku Marshmallow Girl" inhabiting the body of a BBW-positive mannequin and posted using code words on a semi-censored Weibo stream. The implications for our democracy are obvious: this is a slippery slope to mandatory hijab-wearing, state-sponsored veganism, and unfettered science.